Before a nearly live audience in front of the White House, President Bill Clinton offered an apology to any nations the United States of America has previously engaged in armed conflict with throughout history.

"It is time to put our past behind us as we cross the bridge to the twenty-first century," Clinton commented as he gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

"Therefore, it is my duty to formally apologize for any suffering we, as a country, have caused the rest of the world."

"I would like to give a hearty American 'I'm sorry' to the following nations: Canada, Mexico, England, France, Spain, Germany, Bulgaria, Turkey, Austria-Hungary, Italy, Yugoslavia, Cuba, Russia, Iraq, North Vietnam, Japan, Native Americans, and the Confederate States of America. If I have missed any countries, I also apologize to you guys."

Clinton's apology is a milestone in U.S. history. It is the first time Americans have actually taken responsibility for their actions against others.

Critics of the President's action claim that it is merely an imitation of Pope John Paul II's apology on behalf of the "sons and daughters" of the Catholic church.

"I reckon' he's jus' makin' his li'l party o'er there look all purdy," remarked Texas Governor and Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush.

Rudolf Weinerschnitzel, a representative for Germany's increasingly fascist government, stated Clinton's address was "fifty years too late."

No casualties were reported at the scene of the statement.