Ronald McDonald, spokesman for the McDonald's Corporation, was arrested, tried, sentenced, and executed today for masterminding an international onion ring.

The onion ring had connections in the United States, Mexico, Brazil, Columbia, Germany, and Micronesia and, according to insiders, was quite tasty.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation had been on the trail of McDonald for nearly three months when they received crucial information regarding his whereabouts from a member of the onion ring known as "Hamburglar". So named for his previous history of filching all-beef patties from unsuspecting civilians, the Hamburglar claimed to have grown tired of McDonald's "whimsical decisions" and favoritism toward the Fry Guys.

"Da Boss couldn't walk two steps witout lookin' back ta see if da Fry Guys was dere. I always dought dey was kinda fruity lookin'," noted the Hamburglar, before adding, "Robble robble."

Sources in the FBI reported that the Fry Guys were actually more salty than fruity. Agent Jorge Johansen was part of the elite team that brought down McDonald for good.

"Eh, when we got to the hideout, I thought it looked kinda awkward," Johansen said, "with all them yellow and red decorations and candy-striped pillars, ya know? But it was the place we had been told about, so of course we busted in, eh? Sure enough, there was McDonald himself, sweet talking Birdie [the Early Bird]. As it were, it woulda been easy to take him, but his goons--Grimace (some weird purple thing) and the Fry Guys--weren't sleeping on the job, ya know? But in the end, we were all still standing over the saucy remains of the Fry Guys and that purple guy. There was so much salt, my eyes were burning, ya know? But in the end, we got our man, and that's what counts, eh?"

After the bust, McDonald and his surviving accomplices were delivered to the United States Federal Court system, where they received a swift trial. Judge Smith Smith presided over the widely televised case, in which the shaky defense failed to garnish McDonald's crimes against McDonaldland and the state. Sentenced to death for his heinous actions, McDonald's final words before the court were, "Can't a guy get a break today?"

McDonald's last meal before his execution earlier today was twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettuce- cheesepicklesoniononasesameseedbun.