Presidential candidate George W. Bush is not even waiting for the votes to be counted before starting his master plan for the nation's highest office. His first order of business: to take the government out of Washington's hands and into the people's hands.

In addition to widespread tax cuts and the cancellation of unnecessary government programs, such as the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Board of Education, Bush seeks to move the United States' capital itself away from Washington, D.C. "I've had enough of this fuzzy Washington math. It's about time for some good ol' Texas rithmetic," affirmed Bush over an illegally bugged telephone conversation.

Not everyone is happy with this plan to move Washington out of Washington. Some elected officials claim Washington is too much of a "historical tradition" to remove from the District of Columbia. Others bring up the fact that Texas isn't even a city.

"Texas is a city--a city of nations, with towns and counties and cities within its own megacity," replied Bush to these claims. He added, "If Washington was so concerned about tradition, they wouldn't have legalized abortion or single-handly invented the internet, now would they? Anyway, Washington isn't even the originial capital of our great country; Our founding fathers threw things together up in Transylvania."

When discreetly called on his unlisted cellular phone, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore responded incredulously. "How can he say he wants to represent the American people when he proposes moving the nation's capital from Washington, D.C. to Texas? The state of Texas represents only seven percent of the total U.S. population. By comparison, Washington, not associated with any one state, represents one hundred percent of our country's people. Seven percent is less than one hundred percent; I don't think anyone can argue that math."

But Gore underestimated Bush's ability to magically dissipate concrete numbers. "You see, that's more of his fuzzy Washington math. My opponent is again choosing what numbers are the right numbers. Should your government really care about what numbers are the right numbers? Or should your government care about equalility for all numbers? For that reason, I can proudly say that Texas is in fact 75968 percent of the population, compared to Washington's 12304 percent."

Gore conceded his argument with an overly audible sigh and a dramatic waving of arms.