For teens in the United States, school bells are losing to prison cells. Homework is neglected for forced community service. The pencil has lost to the pen--the state penetentary. The jungle gym is abandoned for Jim, the cellmate tried to evade the FBI in the jungle. After-school clubs are out of style; billy clubs are the new craze. Cops and robbers is not the game of choice, but cops and mass-murderers.

Corny transitions aside, America's youth is indeed troubled. While some claim these problems are the result of working parents and lesser parenting, and others blame the ever-popular target, electronic games, our crack reporting team has uncovered a third, more subversive and sinister cause for this unstylish fad: Pop-o-Matic Trouble.

Yes, this seemingly innocent children's game is molding the sons and daughters of the Constitution into deranged deviants. With such disturbing catch phrases as, "It's fun getting into Trouble!" it is no wonder that the very children who play these games are driven to evil.

To investigate these startling discoveries, reporters for the Nation of Bob went straight to the source of the problem: the evil masterminds at Milton Bradley.

Primary colors engulfing the company's headquarters serve only to cover the company's secondary motives. We were able to obtain a few key comments from a high-ranking customer representative at Milton Bradley, who, if her name tag was to be believed, we will refer to as "Linda Gibbons".

When we expressed our concerns that Milton Bradley is an evil megalomaniacal corporation set on turning America's youth to rebellion, "Linda" was quick to dismiss the issue.

"We make children's games," she laughed. But are they truly just children's games, or are they the games of Satan? When pressed again, "Ms. Gibbons" got serious.

"I can assure you that no 'evil influences' are present in the games we make, including Trouble. The absurdity of such a claim should be enough to answer it." But is the claim merely absurd, or absurd enough to be true?

"There were no parallels intended to "knocking off a few of your friends" when the rules for Trouble were made. Two pieces cannot be in the same square, so one is sent back to Start, nothing more," Gibbons claimed when asked of the influential rule.

"I'm sorry, but you have to leave now...Please leave, or I will have to call security...Yes, send down security," Gibbons tersely responded when we asked if the term "Pop-o-Matic" was indeed a reference to automatic weaponry or if the act of removing a cap-like piece from its previous space was indeed a reference to "busting a cap", a popular street term.

Admission is unneccessary to see that the trouble with teens in the United States is Trouble itself.